Her expression was grave, but she remained calm. "Why did you lie about it then?"
"I wanted to make you happy,.. I know it was wrong but we're running out of time so don't waste it reprimanding me The deal he made was much worse. He left, took the ocean with him, and now he wants me to turn and slaughter everyone. His 'anarchy' isn't freedom from rules and government, its chaos and death."
"Are you sure?" the question had come from the blind man. I hadn't even noticed him come up to us. It was as if he read my mind when he joked, "bad eyes, good ears, light feet."
"What does this mean, Ty?" asked Eva.
"It means nothing. Do not trouble yourself with the words He may have used, Jace. Intentions are not spoken... they are discovered."
"You don't understand," I was beginning to tremble, "he did something to me. He wanted me to become the bad guy."
"Oh," Ty shed his all-knowing smile and replaced it with a serious frown. "Well.... will you?"
"N-no," I stuttered; I was beginning to lose the patience to take this man seriously. "I don't want to, but..."
"They you won't. This one has a strong soul, do you think so?" He was asking Eva. She nodded her head, and he somehow understood. "I knew it," he smiled again. "Come now, we're almost to our destination."
It was a lone subway car, slightly derailed. The group formed a circle around me. I made eye contact with Augustus, and recognized the pitiful guilt I'd encountered once before when he was holding the gun to my head on Krev's demand. My hair was on end now.
"What's going on?" I cried.
"This will not be easy for you Jace," Ty called to me from the circle, "and though we are firm believers of choice, all of us know how your condition already limits you."
My heart was racing. I turned around and gazed at Eva. She wouldn't have brought me here if this wouldn't end well for me. But she too wore a face that anticipated suffering.
"Unfortunately my friend, the only choice left to make is to get inside the car, or to have all of us force you."
I did not resist. Ty, Augustus, Eva and Mr. Garcia were close behind me. The place smelled of dust and decay.
"I hate that I must do this to you, my son," Ty bowed his head. "Although I have the utmost faith you will come out of this peacefully, I cannot risk the lives of these people."
"I understand," I answered quietly as Mr. Garcia pushed me down into a seat. The sound of chains dragging across the floor made me twitch in fear. Augustus cuffed one wrist in silence, and Eva did the other, kissing my head gently as she returned to standing straight up.
"Now, my son..." the all stood before me, "I'm going to give you something I wish I could give you under clear skies and a warm sun. Please understand that these chains to not mean that we are holding you down... that we are plotting against you. You agreed and showed patience a moment before, but before I can give this to you, you must show me you believe it."
The chains were heavy. I got the sense the man already knew about the strength Naceo had given me. I looked at Eva and said, "in a couple hours, I might have the will to rip the one thing I love into pieces. So yes... I truly believe the chains are not here for me, they are here for you all."
"Excellent," Ty breathed, "and from the brilliant way you answered, I believe you'll have the will to resist that urge."
From his pocket he extracted a small case. A gentle pinch caused it to come open. "Are you familiar with this, Jace?"
It was a small square of paper, no bigger than the head of a screw.
❑
"No, I'm not," my voice shivered."Yes... you were very young when the world became complicated. Had the tragedy occurred a bit later, you may have encountered it out of curiousity. Many young adults choose to experiment with this power to learn about the world, and about themselves! Again, I would wish to introduce it to you in a setting of love and care, but I suppose it will be up to you to find those feelings within you and your memories."
I scanned the people in fron to me once more, and allowed Eva to place the paper on my tongue. After swallowing with some hesitation, Ty explained that I would be visited often and given another dose by nightfall to continue the process. I imagined that would be a much more difficult task at that point.
The three men exited. Eva stayed behind for a moment, holding me tight.
"Do you trust this?" I wondered. She must have, to be letting it all happen before her eyes submissively.
"I tried the paper too. I can't say if it will stop your madness, but it helped me., and maybe it will help you." She kissed me again and followed them out. The door locked with a loud click.
The first hour seemed to drive me insane simple with boredom. I memorized the scenery
. Mr. Garcia left behind his battery powered lantern; the idol sat on the metro floor and illuminated the fading colors of graffiti on the walls and ceiling. I could stand and walk over to the lamp if I wanted to, for the length of my chains allowed me to walk everywhere in the cabin except ea few feet from the door. I picked it up and counted abandoned cobwebs, poster ads, and even the patterns in the fabric seats. The patterns eventually caught my eye once more, for I was certain I saw them moving.
They were moving. Everything was moving...breathing. I rubbed my eyes, but the effect would not go away.
I was suddenly paralyzed in fear, yet I could not identify the source.
My father was peering at me through the window. I understood it was my reflection on some level, but another part of me knew it was also my father. I carried him with me all this time, and yet I'd never thought to use his presence for strength?
My mind felt heavier. Who else was I carrying inside of me? I began to hear voices emerging from the silence. Childhood friends. The families of the trailer park who had helped us without question. The bike gang, the nurses at the infirmary, the chatter of the recruiters, the screams of the zombies...
I stumbled over my own chain and fell on the floor. The whole car shook. I wondered if someone would enter, but as I waited with my cheek still pressed to the filthy floor, no one did.
I must have been lying on the floor for a while because when I eventually did get up, I felt quite dizzy.
Yet not hungry. Why was this? Was the drug curing me? No... it couldn't be that simple. I recalled that Ty assured me I would be visited often, and though I could no longer keep account of time, I had a feeling it was moving much sower. What had I done alone in this car anyways, besides stumbling upon a hundred realizations?
Soon came a hundred more. This time I was contemplating Naceo's intentions. "Intentions are not spoken, they are discovered," the blind man had said. I wondered whether or not Ty had known Naceo. For a moment I could believe Ty was Naceo! Paranoia began to fill my heart. No, it couldn't be... it couldn't be...
Then the first wave of hunger hit. I crossed my arms and rubbed my palms quickly back and fort over my skin. What would I give for a gulp of water?! I'd tear off my fingers one by one if I had to! I wondered if I had the strength to do this, but I soon loosened the grip I'd had on my pinky and reminded myself that would not work to satiate me regardless.
And just like that, I was aboard another train of thought. A gulp of water was... utopia. Ripping off my fingers was my idea of a solution. There was no sense in this, just as there was no sense in curing the world. "It is not our duty to create a world where everything belongs!" her voice echoed in my mind.
The second wave of hunger... but god... what would I give to be back in that pool? I closed my eyes and pictured myself floating on my back, spitting water from my teeth like a fountain. I flipped over and noticed my imaginary water was deep red. Around me were the bodies of the scientists, freshly slaughtered and slowly sinking.
"Agh!" I cried out loud. I was a murderer! How come it hadn't registered until now? Perhaps it was the state of mind I was in as I killed that disconnected me from culpability. These thoughts brought in emotions too strong to describe with words. I was pacing, kicking walls, inflicting pain on myself in the strangest of ways. Maybe you should rip off a finger or two, anyways! the demon inside me roared, and there I was, gripping the skin again, when suddenly I heard the door unlocking.
It was just Augustus. "Jace?" I was lying across three seats on my back. He spotted me and sat in the one parallel to my head on the opposite side of the car. "How've you been?"
"Miserable," I muttered.
"It was hard for me, too. Well... obviously I didn't go through the same thing you're going through. But for the longest time, I wasn't okay with the way I was feeling and thinking."
"Then why did you let them do this to me??"
"Because, I learned that the things... the awful things that I was feeling and thinking...? It wasn't the paper that put those there. They were always there. The paper just brings them out."
I'd been chewing on his words, but then I noticed he was leaving. "Wait... Can you stay longer?"
"Ty said it would be better for you to do these first few hours on your own. Someone else will come in an hour, and then you'll have visitors as frequently as you want. Sound okay?"
"Why do I have to be alone?"!" I moaned, clutching my head. My chains dragged loudly across the floor.
"You're not alone, Jace." Augustus smiled, and it was bewildering to find wisdom in his gaze. He had matured already from when we first met to our reunion, but this was a new Augustus for sure. He was admitting to weakness, something I never expected the proud Augustus to share. I only listened now; footsteps, a creak, the weighty click.
The effects were growing much wilder. I cried for no reason. I lay still as a corpse and saw colors flash before my eyes. Though I had Augustus's words to contemplate and was mostly content being by myself, the hunger felt like needles in my stomach, and I craved another companion for distraction. "This 'hour' is taking centuries!" I sung at the top of my lungs in case someone was waiting outside.
With no sound of the door, I was somehow approached by another visitor.
"Hello, Neither."
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